An Army of 1 in 10

The year is 2008, and Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has been repealed. The following takes place at an unnamed Army installation:

Commander: Well Top, it’s official: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was repealed yesterday. Now we’ve got to make sure that we make the new policy works.

1SG: That shouldn’t be a problem sir. After all, I fail to see how being gay can affect a Soldier’s performance.

Commander: That’s the way to think about it. I’ll leave it in your hands to ensure that our gay Soldiers are accomodated.

A week passes, and Private Jones comes up to the First Sergeant with an issue.

Private Jones: Top, I’ve got a problem.

1SG: What’s up Jones?

Private Jones: It’s my roommate, PFC Thompson.

1SG: So?

Private Jones: Well, he’s gay. He told me so.

1SG: We briefed you on the new policy. Gay Soldiers are no different from other Soldiers. PFC Thompson does just as good a job as you do.

Private Jones: Yes, but he keeps staring at me when I shower or change clothes and stuff. It’s really creeping me out.

1SG: I can see how that might bother you. I’ll have a talk with him.

Later that day, PFC Thompson reports to the First Sergeant’s office after being told by his squad leader to do so.

1SG: PFC Thompson, a problem has been brought to my attention.

PFC Thompson: What is it, Top?

1SG: Your roommate says that you’ve been staring at him while he’s changing and that it makes him uncomfortable.

PFC Thompson: No way would I do that, Top! He’s not even my type.

1SG: Fine. Just do me and your roommate a favor. When he undresses, make sure you look in another direction. Give his privacy rights a little break, okay?

PFC Thompson: No problem, Top.

The following Monday, the First Sergeant spots Private Jones and has a talk with him.

1SG: We’ve got a problem, Jones. Your NCOIC says this is the 2nd time you’ve been late for work this week. What’s going on?

Private Jones: I’m sorry Top, but I can’t sleep at night. Now, every time I even reach for my zipper, PFC Thompson stares at me and gives me a wolf-whistle. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m about ready to hit him.

1SG: No, don’t do that; you don’t need any more trouble. I’ll have another talk with him. Just make sure you don’t touch him.

Private Jones: (glumly) Roger that, Top.

Once again, the First Sergeant summons PFC Thompson to his office.

1SG: Thompson, your roommate says that you’ve been staring and whistling at him. That’s sexual harrassment, and we won’t tolerate it. Do you understand me?

PFC Thompson: I haven’t been looking or whistling! He’s just lying because he’s a homophobe! Most people in the military don’t like us, and they’ll lie in a heartbeat!

1SG: Look, you’re not the only one that I’m having a problem with in implementing this policy. How about if I move you into your own room?

PFC Thompson: That’d be great, Top!

Two weeks go by and the commander walks into the First Sergeant’s office.

Commander: First Sergeant, we’ve just received an IG complaint. It claims that you’ve given all the homosexuals in the company a private room?

1SG: Yes, sir. There were some serious problems developing between them and their straight roommates. I thought it best to get them split up before someone got hurt.

Commander: I understand, but we can’t give them special privileges. We don’t have enough space to give everyone a single room, and you can’t single out the homosexuals as getting a benefit that isn’t available to the others. Now, fix it!

1SG: Yes sir.

Another week passes, and a Soldier comes up to the First Sergeant with a request.

SPC Kenney: PFC Baker is my girlfriend.

1SG: That’s nice, Kenney. What do you need?

SPC Kenney: Well Top, she wants to be my roommate.

1SG: (spitting out his coffee) You know we can’t room a male and female together in the barracks.

SPC Kenney: Why not? You roomed PFC Thompson and Private Eckers together.

1SG: So?

SPC Kenney: Come on, Top! Everyone knows they’re going out together. If Thompson gets to room with his boyfriend, how come I can’t room with my girlfriend?

1SG: Well…..I guess that makes sense. Okay, I’ll approve it.

Another couple of weeks pass before the commander comes storming back into the First Sergeant’s office, his face red as a beet with fury.

Commander: What in the hell are you doing, First Sergeant?

1SG: Sir?

Commander: The battalion commander has just received a slew of Congressional Complaints about you from outraged parents! It appears as if you are allowing their young sons and daughters to shack up in my barracks. Is that true?

1SG: Well, yes sir… but…

Commander: (slamming his fists on the First Sergeant’s desk) No buts!!!!!!! Not in my company!!!!! People don’t shack up in the barracks!! Is that clear???

1SG: Yes sir.

Commander: Fix this. NOW!

After the commander storms out, the First Sergeant starts to think about the situation.

1SG: How in the world am I going to fix this? (five minutes later): I know! I’ll room gay Soldiers with female heterosexuals, and lesbians with male heterosexuals!

The following week, the commander calls the First Sergeant into his office and has him report.

Commander: First Sergeant, what in the blazes is going on in my company?

1SG: Sir?

Commander: Every single male in the barracks now claims he’s gay, and wants to move in with a straight female!

1SG: Well, sir, I guess the studies were wrong. Maybe it is possible for one to change his sexual orientation!